It's Worth It

I had this crazy dream last night that my husband had a double life and everytime I would go off to work he would leave the kids home alone and run off partying and hanging out with his friends n stuff.
I hate when i have dreams like that. I wake up pissed off.
Well, i just got off work and he's being all weird to me and acting all distant and mad. I really don't know what to think.
I need a vacation from everyone.

Today was an okay day, I went to work, got hit on by two guys and lovin every bit of it. I am not where I want to be yet, with my weight, but its coming close I know.
I'm going to be a little patient and try not to freak out because I'm losing weight slower, its whenever you get closer to your goal you seem to lose it slower.
I'm also gaining muscle from being a waitress and exercising at home. I'm good, i'm good.
I cannot wait to go back to work tomorrow...I just love talking to that guy.

My lease is up in two months and I haven't decided what to do or where to go. It's a big step for me because I've been having drama like crazy with my family memeber and It seems like to me it would be best to get far away from everyone on to center myself and start all over.
I can't say that I am satisfied with the way my life is going. I feel like I'm in a rut. With school, and work and drama. I don't even know what my passion is anymore. All I know is that I love my kids and they are my life...other than that, I have no reason to be here. I feel like my own sister, who was my bestfriend in life is against me as well as my own mother. Nobody stops to ask me how I am feeling and why and what they can do to really help. Everyone wants to tell me what I need to do with my life and it should be so easy. I need to leave my husband....yeah, like that's a cake-walk...I have a kid with him and have been with him almost two years. nobody know's how hard it would be to just pick up and leave. My two year old calls him daddy and we have a (almost) 6mo. old daughter. I don't feel like we come together on alot of things, but I want my sister and mom to know that it's because they don't understand the pain that would be involved is the reason why I am not open to their suggestions.
I wish I could tell my family how much I love them unconditionally, but because you love someone, doesnt mean you can let them walk all over you. They haven't crossed the red line yet with me. If they succeed in taking my kids from me, or breaking me and my husband up...that would be something I would consider unforgivable. But for now, there is still love out there for them, I just dont want them around me or contacting me. It's not that I'm taking them for granted, they are just toxic for me.
hmmm...i dont know where my place is really....i need to find myself and my passion.

I've been trying to eat more after having my second child than my first. I dont know, I guess it's easier not to deny myself so much to where I feel nutty all of the time. I try to eat 1000 calories a day and if I go over I work it off over time. I've been staying real true to that for at least 9 days and almost true to that for about 6 months. I've lost about 55lbs since my second kid and I'm getting closer to my goal weight;therefore, it is taking way longer to lose anything. My weight fluxuates like crazy and I hate it. I'm absolutley mortified of the scale. My bmi is 22 which is normal but its too close to 25 which is overweight. I will be a little more calm once I get it down to at least 20. Summer is coming and I feel confortable enough to wear summer clothes but it's not enough for me. I want to be able to wear anything, not that I am going to but I would like to know I can. I still have a small gut from having my kid and I think my legs are too fat. My face sometimes looks fat in pictures.
I'm trying to lose 4lbs by the end of this month so that I am not behind and the only way I know how to do that is cutting out the carbs for 5 days. that low carb thing is so freakin hard for me so I'm not sure if that's going work for me. it makes me crave things I dont even like. Sometimes I wonder if it is easier to just eat 500 cals a day and work out and suffer to lose this weight faster or is it better to eat 1000-1600 cals a day, work out and lose weight slower. I think about my quality of life now. I am not tired all of the time, I get to eat cookies n stuff, I have energy and i'm still losing weight. I dont question my motivation because it is so easy...slower..but easy. I think I will stick to this. And so what if it takes me another half year to be at my goal weight (which i highly highly doubt) I will get there with a smile on my face and probably a cookie in my hand lol.

wow, the last time I've posted something on here was in september. Thats crazy! Thats when I was still worried out my eating and everything. I have not gained a million pounds but I have gained a few uncomfortable pounds that I really need to lose.
I am engaged now and doing good! I still get depressed here and there like I use to. The one thing about ana was that it kept me from getting too low. It balanced my moods a little. I'm not going to lie, I miss her. I get jelous of those who still have her. I want her back.
Having ana and being engaged is like having an affair. It's hard to keep up with both. I had to drop one and it was her. Its hard to have to buy and cook food for the family and not eat it. I was never that strong. But I miss being able to wear whatever and still feel cute. I need to find a way to get into the cycle of things.
I'm going to break and finally get some batteries for my proform and work out everyday like I should. I need to always have fruit and tuna in the house. I need to read these blogs everyday and buy a scale. I wanna look good for spring and summer!!! If I never messed up I'd be down in the teens by now. I kick myself for that.
this is an ode to ana

and this below is the real me.

I am living with the 33 year old i've always talked about and I work and go to school so much that its hard to get on here when I like. I just bought an ellipticle yesterday because I've been falling off for 2 months big time. I am going back to my own starving ways. Plus my man is hella thin and in shape and it makes me feel like a tub of lard.
He used to make me feel like life can be better after all, but now he brings me down and acts like he doesnt like doing things for me, but he's a "nice guy and its his duty". I dont ask for much, but dayyyuummm. like he couldnt even lie with me on the couch and watch a freakin movie without complaining 2 days later about how I made him do it and he didn't like the movie because it was crap. that really hurt my feelings! I thought he wanted to do that with me, but now I know I can never ask even the most simple things of him without it blowing up in my face. I'm depressed again and -1000 calories. I want to always be negative. I want to starve myself to death. I want out of this place, out of this life. My boyfriend and I act like an old married couple. we go to bed at 9 and sometimes before. I said I was thinking about going out and he flipped out on me. we dont ever go out unless we are picking up food from the store or shower curtains or other married couple needs. I'm trapped in a glass jar and its becoming foggy........very foggy.

It's been a while since I've gone 24 hours without food. I'm going to go longer because I'm getting the heck out of this house. I mean, I'm so freakin stressed!!! I just know I failed my math test today, the one I've been studying all weekend for. It was a total waste of my time!!! I'm going to have to drop this class for sure. I need fresh air, I need to take me and my daughter out of here.
the only positive thing thats happened to me is that I'm now talking to this guy who owns his own business and is attending law school be become a lawyer....I might just have to marry for money, i feel so dumb.

I'm back yall!!! So I'm still cutting calories and everything. People are really starting to notice, but it's not to the point to where they think I'm anorexic. I eat more some days than others. like today, I didn't even work out and I ate 1000 cals. I am a server though and those calories came from just 3 servings of raisin bran cereal. It's not like I'm shoving down twinkies. I've been doing good these past few days even thought the weight comes off extremely slow now.
My sister is coming to town so I've been cleaning ever since I got off of work. My mom doesn't know that my sis is coming. It's a mothers day suprise. I'm tired of this crap! I'm thirsty!!!
peace

I almost fell off for a second. I started eating normally for a couple of weeks. I'm so close to my goal that I just have to remember not to give up. I think I'm going to cut carbs for a week, cut calories, and work out. I need to speed things up.

Anywayz I just got some extensions put in and they are sexy! I'm totally lovin it.

Loves it? Loves it! ~paris and nichole
here are some new pics of my little girl!

well, I've been busy with work and a bunch of other things. I cannot wait until this week is over because I keep thinking about all that I have to take care of. I'm so stressed out!!!!

If God wants to make my life better, why do I keep giving him a hard time?

Don't you hate when you have dreams that bring up memories, old flames, things that were considered dead to you? Well, I had one of those about an ex boyfriend. I don't even think about him on a daily basis, but in my dream, I was reminded of the feeling he gave me. Not the feeling of loneliness or a brokenheart at first, the feeling that came before that. The one that gave me butterflies for a while and then jealousy. I'm almost afraid to go to sleep because I'm tired of these dreams.

I'm sorta jittery today. I think it's because of the dreams I'm having. It's the guilt followed by the dreams that I don't even remember. It's convincing people to be as messed up as me and love it. Don't be like me people. Eat when you are hungry, eat healthy, exercise and you will be fine. Don't be sad and depressed about weight because you can die tomorrow. I was just thinkin to myself what my last regret would be if I got in a car accident and died......and it was 'being hungry'. For some reason I thought, "being hungry". geez..good luck.

Today was a long day. I worked as long as I could for extra money and I hung out with my friend right after to prolong eating. I can still eat tonight, but I don't have taste for anything I have. I might run to the store and get some milk and cereal (my favorite food).
I just worked out, I'm sweating, I smell from work and working out, I am just a mess! I have to do it all over again tomorrow.
Yeah, that really sounds good......cereal.......I usually daydream about boys, but I swear, for about 2 minutes just now, I started daydreaming about pouring ice cold milk into a bowl of cereal.
ooooh I gotta go
peace

I have 2 more pounds to lose by the end of the day on the 31st. I think I'll make it. I'm glad I still lost weight considering I ate some girlscout cookies! I mean, they were whispering to me in my sleep. It's almost time for me to eat so I'm going to prepare my food in time to watch america's next top model. pease!

Yes! I finally get the schedule I want, all days no nights and weekends!! One of my best friends is the manager so it's not even like she cared. I am also starting back at UMKC this summer so I have to work my butt off to get the funds.
Whenever I get the money I was thinking about getting Mekayla an agent because she is so adorable and she loves attention. Maybe if she becomes a baby model and I get a little bit of money from that, we can have our condo sooner.
My workouts have been getting harder because I have almost zero energy and I feel a little queezy. I have to do one half at a time. I did lose one pound lol. I need to lose 4 by the end of this month. Its crunch time baby!

So i've been practicing this dance from making the band 3. It's awesome....here's what it looks like (also thinspiration sorta)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bW-vCN2fY9U

Everything in the world right now is telling me to eat. It's only 12:37pm on a saturday so it's like boring and food is calling my taste buds. I have to be at work at 5:00pm so if I can only make it 4 1/2 hours, I will be fine.

I worked out for 30mins so far and I have to do the other half a little later because my daughter is screaming her lungs out. She wants me to hold her while I work out but it kills my back. hmmm.

So I kept waking up last night because a certain friend kept calling me. I mean, call once, leave a message, and let me call you back. If I don't, I have my reasons.

day 4 of eating very little 160 cals. I have a deadline so I can't play anymore. I have a busy day today so it can be done. Also Sunday my daughter is being dedicated to the church and shortly after that I'm going to visit an old friend so that day is busy as well. after I start working next week, I will have no problem restricting. I will also keep myself swamped at work to prevent myself from eating something I shouldn't.
My mom bought 3 boxes of girl scout cookies and they're just sitting on top of the refridgerator. I know she's testing me to see if I'll eat them; therefore, making it okay for her to eat them as well. NOPE! I'm not even a big fan of girl scout cookies. I can't stand how my mom is such a sucker for little girl scouts. I don't feel that sorry for strange kids trying to make me fat.

So everyday my ex keeps calling me. I won't let it get to me. I told him how much weight I've lost and now he's saying he wants to lose weight too. 6 pack right? you know, he's said that ever since we started dating in 05.
I've been doing good the past three days. Since I have binged on vacation I've decided to make up for it with my hour run and 160 cals a day. It's easy when I just keep myself out of the house.
I got my new job back and orientation is this saturday!!! I'm so excited! I miss working and that time I am there I won't be sitting at home thinking about what to eat next. I have to work full time and also I'm going to start school this summer at UMKC. I am going to be soooo busy! I will reach my underweight goal in just a few months after all of this starts.